It’s been 5 days since he left. It was abrupt and very painful. But I know, we’re both in the wrong. Not just him. Not just me. Both.
We’re already on our 5th year in the relationship and you can say we’re very much comfortable with each other already. We know almost anything about each other. When we’re happy, we’re very much happy. We can go on for days like that. But when we fight, it’s hell. Really.
I’m insecure. I’ve been like this even before I met him. In my previous relationship, I was also insecure. I grew up with almost no self esteem so maybe that’s why I’m constantly insecure.
We recently had a fight. 5 days ago. Looking back, it was really a petty fight that we blew out of proportion. Combination of miscommunication, angry heads, don’t care attitude, you can say we really lost it.
Let me just tell you my side of the story. This may be a biased one since we won’t get his side of things but I’m not here for you to take sides. We’re both wrong.
His actions on the 4th of December made me feel like my feelings (or I, per se) didn’t matter. Which got me irritated. It was just a matter of ‘Who’s going to take this box?’ I felt like he didn’t want to take the box because it won’t look good on him so he’d rather have me take it. But hey, I already have my wallet on my hand and you have 2 free hands, so might as well bring the box with you? Of course, I didn’t say that. Those were the words in my head.
Ultimately, he took the box and we walked. However, as we do, he kept on looking at the box as if he’s being irritated by it (by the looks of it). I also heard him say ‘You didn’t open the box properly, now it’s difficult to hold.’ Non verbatim, but something like that. Which got me even more irritated. How dare him blame me for that? As if it was totally damaged! There was just one tiny slash in the corner of the box which made it difficult to close but that’s it! He didn’t need to be pissed about it. And now we’re both pissed.
The thing is, when I’m angry, I don’t talk. I just fell silent. When I was younger, I said to myself, ‘I won’t be a nagger when I grow up.’ My mother wasn’t. I really never knew one person in the family who nags. But as I grew older, I realized that it’s one thing a girl shouldn’t do so you won’t scare the guys away. Maybe that’s why I don’t talk when I’m angry. I’m kind of scared of confrontations as well. Because in my experience, it never went the way I wanted to. What I do is I text my sentiments. Coward, right? But yes, I can’t express my feelings face to face because I don’t know how to without being a nagger.
So we walked without talking and I was walking ahead. He probably didn’t know what ticked me off so he was lost as to why I’m angry. He didn’t ask me what’s wrong, which if he did, I probably still won’t talk. So things are getting awkward already and we decided to just go home. It was his turn to leave me behind. He walked to the house (the mall was just a 20 minute walk from there) but I rode a tricycle so I got home ahead of him. When he arrived, he’s already in a terrible mood.
I just sat calmly on the bed charging my mobile and checking my Facebook. As if I didn’t care. Then he suddenly grabbed the charger from my mobile. That’s his charger but I like to use it because it charges super fast. As he did this, he’s already mumbling sort or curses to me. That’s fine with me – I was the first in our relationship to curse when he did me wrong. What threw me off was the rude way he took the charger from me. It made me feel like I didn’t have the right to use it.
Anger filled my brain and so I stood up, tried to look for my own charger. Then it struck me – and without thinking, I just said ‘I bought your mobile, right? Do you want to play cruel with me? GIVE THAT BACK.’ He was taken aback and probably didn’t expect me to say that because I never did. Even with our past fights, I never bring up the things I bought for him. That wasn’t me. But I already did. Loud and clear. Aside from that, I also said something that’s already below the belt. You don’t wish someone you love to die, do you?
He left that night bringing only his clothes and shoes with him. Not that I bought everything in the house, but he couldn’t bring everything else. He was fuming. He didn’t want me to text him (like I always do when we fight) and he said he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I guess that’s his ego talking. So he left with no mobile and wristwatch. I bought those for him few years back as a gift.
I know that was so wrong to chide him for the things I freely bought for him and for saying those things. And I know I was wrong in letting his anger get the best of me. I should’ve just brushed it off. I know that was not a personal attack to me but I acted as if it was. I’m only realizing his importance now that he left. He sacrificed a lot for me before. Even if my father didn’t like him, he still stuck with me and tried his best to get along with him. He supported me on my endeavors and was proud of my achievements. He supported me financially. He tried to be a better partner.
I only wrote this because I need an outlet. I’m not sure if my apologies would still be heard but I really wanted to say that I’m terribly sorry for what I did and mostly for what I said. He didn’t deserve them.
In all of this, I learned a valuable lesson. Never say hurtful words no matter how angry you are. Remember that even when you’re fighting, you can still work things out. But if you abused each other with foul words, you’re removing that chance. And it’s not emotionally healthy to curse the one you love. I hope I can keep these in mind.